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Savio Vega def. Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw in a Caribbean
Strap Match:
This wasn’t a very good start for me, because I’m not
sure there’s a gimmick match I hate more than strap matches. Strap matches
bloooooow most of the time. Someone watched wrestling and said, “Hey this is
neat, but you know what it needs more of? People walking around and touching
the turnbuckles like they’re playing duck duck goose.” There’s usually some
brutality using the strap as a whip, but that’s about it.
Savio Vega is the king of strap matches, though. So we
get to see this match between him and Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw. It’s kind of
crazy seeing Bradshaw at this point in his career putting on curtain-jerker
strap matches with guys like Vega when he’d go on to be a main eventer. I legit
forget that he had gimmicks before the Acolytes.
The big deal with this match has nothing to do with the
participants. Early on in the match, Bradshaw and Vega are brawling outside,
and The Sandman and Tommy Dreamer from ECW just *happen* to be in the front
row. Sandman spits beer at Vega and they try to jump the barricade, but get
held back. This of course was one of the first seeds to be sown in the ECW
Invasion angle of the mid-90s.
The rest of the match is your standard strap match fare.
Vega sells pretty well when he’s running around touching the straps and Bradshaw
yanks him back. It looked cool, so it’s got that going for it. The match
finishes with the classic strap match trope of Vega following Bradshaw around
while he touches the corners, discretely touching the corners himself. Then
it’s a *surprise* to Bradshaw when he wins! I’m pretty sure that’s how at least
75% of strap matches are won. Touching corners has never been so exciting! Vega
the Strap Match God does his best to elevate it (it’s the only kind of match
that Vega probably could ever elevate), but it’s still a strap match. C-.
Jose Lothario def. Jim Cornette
Things don’t seem to get better from there. Now we get a
match between a 62-year-old Jose Lothario and Jim Cornette that ends with a
punch in less than a minute. Glad we made sure this got on the PPV and didn’t
settle this on Raw, guys. At least it
ends quickly and Cornette gets the hell off my screen as fast as possible. F.
Meanwhile Savio got beat up by “Razor Ramon” and “Diesel”
backstage. So to recap, this pay-per-view so far has strap matches, one-minute
manager matches, and the Fake Outsiders. We’re off to a fantastic start. *FART NOISE*
Finally, something amazing happens that gets things
going on the right path again. Brian Pillman comes out and runs down the
Philadelphia crowd. It’s cheap heat, but Pillman was damn magic on the mic. Owen
comes out to say that he and Bret made up after he realized Owen was the
superior brother, and that he didn’t show up in person because he’s afraid of
Steve Austin. The result is amazing, of course. Austin says Bret’s not a
chicken, he’s the “slimy substance that runs out of the south end of a
chicken.” Then he drops the classic “(S)Hitman” line. God, I could listen to
Pillman and Austin cut promos all day. Owen can chill too. All this is made
better of course knowing that in a matter of months, Austin will be wrecking
the other two guys’ shit in the best feud the WWE has had and ever will have. A+.
We get a quick video of Mark Henry looking at various
Philadelphia sites and petting a horse, and there aren’t enough heart eye
emojis in the world to express my love for it.
Owen Hart & British Bulldog def. The Smoking Gunns
(c) for the WWF Tag Team Championship
This show is just getting weird now, since we’ve got a
heel-vs.-heel match for the Tag Team Championship. Interesting booking choice
there, Vinny Mac. Bulldog and Owen unveil a poster they made of Sunny where
they drew glasses and a beard on her. CLASSIC. Got her. I’m not sure who they
wanted the audience to cheer for here. I think it’s supposed to be the Gunns
because Sunny’s hot and also because they get brutalized by Davey Boy and
especially Owen. The crowd goes the other way though, probably because we’re in
Philly and they’re gonna cheer the better workers. Billy and Bart make a bit of
a comeback, but Clarence Mason distracts the ref and Owen breaks up Billy
pinning Davey Boy. The match ends when Bart gets shoved into Billy by the
Bulldog. Billy was distracted by Sunny and didn’t see that Bart was pushed into
him, so he shoves Bart back. This lets Bulldog take advantage and powerslam
Bart for the pin and the belts.
After the match, Sunny dumps the Gunns which will later
cause them to EXPLODE. Sunny, uh, wasn’t so great at the whole promo thing. The
match overall was fine and set up a great title run for Owen and Davey Boy, but
the matchup’s weirdness keeps it from reaching the next level. B-.
We get a quick promo from Paul Bearer and Mankind before
the big title match
Mark Henry def. Jerry “The King” Lawler
You know what I love? Lawler’s cutting a promo on the
crowd, the commentary booth is talking over him, and they play other clips with
audio over that. That’s extremely
good production, folks. Mark Henry is debuting here, and he’s dressed up as
AMERICA and I sincerely love it. I love it so, so much. As for the match… it’s
a whole lot of nothing. Henry no-sells Lawler. There’s some standing around.
Henry slams Lawler. More standing around. More no-selling. Lawler cheats very
obviously but it ends up getting no sold anyway. Backbreaker. Done. I get
Henry’s a rookie here, but… ugh. This match blew, and the five minutes it took
felt much longer than that. This is also about the time in the show where the
Network decides it doesn’t want to work (WWE Network on PS4 is traaaaaaash). I
need another drink.
After the match, Marty Jannetty, Leif Cassidy, and Hunter
Hearst Helmsley (lol) all run out to attack Mark Henry for reasons. It’s not
very effective. F.
The Undertaker def. Goldust: Final Curtain Match
Mankind is kind of busy with Shawn tonight and Marc Mero
is thankfully far, far away, so Goldust and Undertaker need something to keep
each other occupied. They’ve fought in the background of the Taker/Mankind feud
so they’ll fight here to kill ten minutes before we get to the fireworks
factory. This is a ~~FINAL CURTAIN~~ match which just means there has to be a
winner and it has to be by pinfall. It also sucks.
Like these are two WWE legends that are still working with the company today,
but I can think of few things as boring as a 1996 Undertaker-Goldust match. It
tries to trick you with some semblance of pace, but after Goldust gets his gold
dust in Takers’ eyes, it becomes KICKS AND PUNCHES: THE MATCH. After a bunch of
nothing and I take a solid 45 minute nap while the match happens, Taker hits a
chokeslam and tombstone on Goldie, and let’s never speak of this again. D-.
Shawn Michaels def. Mankind for WWF Heavyweight
Championship
Man, Mankind’s entrance here is great. He’s with Paul
Bearer now and he’s about to have a huge Buried Alive match with Taker, so he
comes out a casket and then cuddles with the urn. Foley’s character work in his
prime is still pretty much the standard. This is a brutal looking match. We’re
really starting to transition into the Attitude Era and things have gotta get a
lot more real, so we’ve got Foley throwing killer elbows and Shawn removing the
outside padding almost right away. We also get Mankind “missing” a spot, Shawn
getting pissed and appearing to get more stiff with his shots. I’m not much of
a fan (if at all) of the ol’ Russo worked shoots, but it’s not overkill here
and isn’t distracting. This isn’t late era WCW where *everything* is a shoot.
Shawn works Foley on the casket for a little bit, because the WWF was just as
lenient at things that should totally be a DQ being Not A DQ twenty years ago
as it is today. The match is just chaos. Sick stairs bump. Foley gets his neck
caught in the ropes (probably one of my biggest NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE spots
ever). Some chair shots while the ref’s distracted. They trade some two counts.
The best of the best of the best of the DAMN BEST is when Mankind is trying to
superplex Shawn through the Spanish Announce Table, Shawn blocks it, reverses,
and sends them both through it in an absolutely amazing spot. They stumble back
in the ring. Sweet Chin Music, but Vader shows up and shows up. Vader
interferes causing Shawn to retain by DQ until Sid chases him off. Mankind
comes back to murder death kill Shawn into the casket, but Taker is there.
Infinite flame emojis. The ending should be a overbooked mess but all the interferences
work in context, and this is one of the few matches where it was more about the
journey than the destination.
Even with a DQ finish, this is one of the best match if
not THE best match either man ever did. Ever. And we’re talking all-time greats
here. The desperation and brutality of it was phenomenal. Everything made
logical sense. Those last two minutes wouldn’t have worked unless the 28 that
came before weren’t perfect. This era of Shawn has more than a few problems
because of ego, but this match is what you want to see from him. Mankind is
such a good foil to the pretty boy Shawn character. A++.
Overall Thoughts
In Your House: Mind Games is a damn mess of a show. There
are six matches on the entire show. Three of them are complete garbage (and one
of them barely counts as a match). One of them is probably as good as you can
get from a Savio Vega-Bradshaw strap match, but it’s still a Savio
Vega-Bradshaw strap match. That at least has the ECW angle going for it,
though. The tag team match is probably better in context in WWE history than it
is as a standalone match, but it’s a fine little match. There are two basically
perfect, can’t-miss segments that elevate this show from the trash bin. The
first is Pillman, Owen, and Austin running down Bret and helping set the scene
for the greatest feud in WWE history. The second is one of the best matches of
the “New Generation” Era (or really, any era). The Federation didn’t have a
heck of a lot going for it at this time period, but sometimes it really hit the
mark. C+
Next Time: We go near the end of WCW's lifespan with SuperBrawl Revenge from 2001.
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