This might be one of the most frustrating events of the year, because on paper it's a solid card even though not all of the build was that great. The one match that needed a convincing build was Goldberg/Lesnar because their first and only match that happened 12 years ago was straight garbage. They did a surprisingly good job at building that match up, because I guess Goldberg is good at promos now. Who knew? Everything else was... ehhhh. The three Survivor Series matches boasted a huge amount of talent, but we weren't given anything to go on besides "The McMahons don't like each other and want their team to beat the other one." That's weak. Give them something to fight for aside from bragging rights.
Normally I'd cover the pre-show matches but neither was really special. We got yet another cruiserweight six-man tag team match, and Kane beating Luke Harper, because you gotta keep Kane looking strong. Let's get onto the main card.
Team RAW Women (Bayley, Sasha Banks, Charlotte, Nia Jax & Alicia Fox w/ Dana Brooke) def. team Smackdown Women (Becky Lynch, Alexa Bliss, Naomi, Natalya & Carmella)
Before the match happens, it's revealed that Nikki Bella was *mysteriously* attacked before the match, and now Smackdown team "coach" Natalya has to fill in, much to her dismay I'm sure.
All three Survivor Series matches had some glaring issues, but the women's match was deeply flawed. This is the deepest women's division the WWE main roster has had... ever, but the booking of the match was lazy and tired. Nobody really looked good in this match. The best performer on the roster, Sasha Banks, got taken out early. Nia Jax should be booked like a monster, but she looked like a chump going out to a Disarm-Her like it was nothing. Eventually it comes down to Charlotte and Bayley against Becky Lynch, and Bayley wins. Charlotte acts like she's happy for two second before turning on Bayley, which everybody in the building saw a mile away. The match overall was just sloppy and made it hard to care about anybody, which is a shame because everybody involved (aside from maybe Alicia and Dana) have been doing some fantastic work lately even if their stories haven't been the best. C.
Intercontinental Championship: The Miz (c) w/ Maryse def. Sami Zayn
This was the best match of the night, and it's telling that there's some huge caveats to that statement. This was one of the few matches that actually had stakes, since it was both a championship match and the winner took the title belt to his own brand. That's actually engaging, rather than "fight so your boss that you don't even like can feel good."
The Miz has spent the entire year proving any doubters about his ability wrong. He was great feuding with Owens, Zayn and Cesaro. He was great feuding with Ryder. He was less good feuding with Apollo Crews or Darren Young, but that's to be expected. His work on the mic against Ziggler and Bryan has been phenomenal, and the brand split has done wonders for what was already a career renaissance for the Miz. Also Maryse is the best manager in the business right now, bar none. Meanwhile, Sami Zayn has been having a great year even if he's been struggling to stay relevant (the writers' fault, not his). He's been great in whatever role he's been given, and he's got a few match of the year contenders under his belt in 2016 (especially the Nakamura Takeover match and the two singles PPV matches he had against KO).
So unsurprisingly, this is money. Sami's one of the only people on the roster who can consistently sell injury well, so he's one of those guys you want working with somebody like Miz whose offense doesn't always necessarily look the strongest. He's the best male babyface worker the company has, and he does a great job playing underdog. He's what WWE wants you to think John Cena is (no disrespect to The Champ).
The issue is the ending, which I didn't mind as much as others, but was still disappointing. Maryse rings the bell early (A premature bell? At Survivor Series? In Canada!?!??!? Well, I never!) which makes Sami think he's won, but Miz rolls him up for the win. So you've got an Attitude Era callback and a rollup, which is one of the most hated things they could've possibly done. I think it works because Miz and Maryse are so hateable and that makes me hate them more. My issue is the fact that Mick Foley and Steph do nothing about it. They know Miz and Maryse cheated and don't try to restart the match so they have a chance at getting the IC Championship. Then the next night they blame Sami and punish him and make him get murdered by Braun Strowman. They're the worst bosses. B+.
Team RAW Tag Teams (Big E, Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, Cesaro, Enzo Amore, Big Cass, Primo, Epico, Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson w/ Xavier Woods) def. Team Smackdown Tag Teams (Heath Slater, Rhyno, Zack Ryder, Mojo Rawley, Jason Jordan, Chad Gable, Tyler Breeze, Fandango, Jimmy Uso & Jey Uso)
The tag team Survivor Series match is a lot better than the women's match is, but there's still some huge issues with it. This is a match that involves 21 people, so naturally it's sloppy until for the first half. Tyler Breeze doesn't even see the ring before Fandango's pinned. The New Day is taken out immediately after. You wonder why Primo and Epico have to be in a match where everyone else is thousands of times more entertaining than them.
There's some good stuff here though, too. The Hype Bros are a lot of fun even though they don't get much shine. American Alpha of course get a few seconds to wreck shop, which are some of the best moments on the entire show because American Alpha are perfect in every way. Everybody aside from the aforementioned Primo and Epico can be a lot of fun, so even in the sloppiness it's easy to get through, especially once more teams get eliminated.
The end is 2-on-2 between Cesaro and Sheamus and The Usos, and if it was by itself, it'd be the best match of the night. Cesaro and Sheamus are a good odd couple tag team that I think benefits both guys who don't have a lot to do since the Universal Title picture is a little bloated at the top. The Usos have been great ever since their much-needed heel turn. The pace picks up phenomenally and we get like ten whole minutes of solid tag team wrestling. The only complaint I have is that Cesaro should stop doing the 619. He doesn't need to do moves like that or the suicide dive that almost killed him a few weeks back. He's over with all the other offense he has, he doesn't need to do every spot ever. Like, dude. You're already the most versatile guy in the company. You can keep a few things out of your repertoire. Anyway, good stuff with Cesaro and Sheamus picking up the victory and assuring themselves a shot at the New Day. First half: C+/B-. Second half: A-.
Cruiserweight Championship: The Brian Kendrick (c) def. Kalisto
This was another match that was already a step ahead of the competition because it actually had stakes. Unfortunately this one had a much worse ending than Miz/Sami. That one at least further established that The Miz and Maryse are cheating jerks and Sami can't catch a break. This one didn't do a lot for anybody.
The stakes, like the Intercontinental Championship match, are not only for the wrestler to get the belt, but to bring the belt to their show. The result everyone expected was that Kalisto would win the belt of Kendrick, because it makes no sense that the Cruiserweight Championship isn't on the show that has Kalisto, and 205 Live will be airing immediately after Smackdown on Tuesday nights. So naturally that doesn't happen, and Baron Corbin interferes, costing Kalisto the match. Because man, we just wanted more of that red hot Baron Corbin-Kalisto feud, I guess. The match was fine, but the crowd wasn't into it and the ending killed it even harder. Also, yet again the authority figures don't even try to change the result. You'd think maybe Shane and Bryan could try to re-start the match if they really wanted the division on their show. Oh well. B-.
Team Smackdown Men (AJ Styles, Dean Ambrose, Randy Orton, Shane McMahon & Bray Wyatt w/ James Ellsworth) def. Team RAW Men (Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, Chris Jericho, Kevin Owens & Braun Strowman)
This was easily the best of the three Survivor Series matches and had a lot of cool moments, but it was also nearly an hour long. So let's get the bad out of the way. The length does its damned best to kill the match, and even the big spots can't always keep you engaged. Even when cool stuff was happening, I found myself looking at my phone to check how long this was going. This was not a match that needed to be an hour long. Half an hour would've been fine, 40 minutes top. You could've trimmed some stuff like extended periods of selling outside the ring.
The most unnecessary part of the match, of course, was Shane McMahon. Shane McMahon had no reason to be in the match. Corbin got "hurt," but instead of trying to find a replacement via Battle Royal or something. Shane's not a wrestler. He's the boss, and him taking a spot makes him look like an ass that wants glory for himself instead of winning. They should've put Kane, Luke Harper, Dolph Ziggler, Apollo Crews, hell, Curt Hawkins would've been better. Or have nobody take it and have Team Smackdown face even harder odds in the end. Then Shane gets hurt for real taking a spear because he's a 46 year-old non-wrestler taking table bumps and doing Coast to Coasts. Stop it. We can't stand you as an authority figure. You're even worse in the ring with your little baby punches.
There's a bunch of cool moments though. Ellsworth holding onto Braun's leg for the countout was excellently done, even if I am getting a little sick of Ellsworth. It was just enough of him to work out and not make us groan. It also keeps Braun strong since he wasn't pinned or submitted. I liked how Dean didn't care about brand allegiances (like he shouldn't) and came back out to beat up AJ Styles. Plus, we got a Shield Powerbomb out of it, which gives me hope for the future. The best part of it all is that the Wyatt Family got an important win. Is that the first important match that Bray's ever won? I'm digging adding Randy to the Family as well. It's way more interesting than anything else he'd probably be doing right now. I hope they stay strong and can at least take the Tag Titles for a while. Bray's great. Harper's great. Orton's great. Let them be cool and important please.
Good match, but length and Shane stopped it from being great. B.
Goldberg def. Brock Lesnar w/ Paul Heyman
I like it when I'm legitimately surprised by something the WWE does, and I liked this a lot the more I thought about it. Sure, it's easy to be cynical. The company spent so much time making Brock look unbeatable only for him to go down to Goldberg (more like OLDberg am I right) in 90 seconds. They're just doing this to build another match at Mania. I don't care.
One, it's nice that a "WCW guy" finally went over a "WWE guy" after the Sting debacle. Then, you've got the fact that Brock looks vulnerable. That's good. Brock as he was sucked. He hasn't done anything decent since Fastlane. The match with Dean was a huge letdown because WWE should've pulled the trigger on Dean then. Then the match with Orton was just uncomfortable since they made him injure Orton and open him up. Brock singles matches have basically all been the same for a while. Now he's on his guard, and that can give him an edge and desperation that he hasn't had. He might actually be engaging again if he can get motivated.
Goldberg's gonna enter the Rumble and get eliminated/screwed out of a title shot by Brock. Then they're gonna have the real showdown between the two of them at Mania. It's probably not gonna be any good considering the only other actual match they've had was horrendous. But for one night, WWE surprised me and made me feel that not everything had to be terrible, and that was much appreciated. A-.
Final Grade: B-.
It's hard to recommend Survivor Series 2016 because the best thing that happened was 90 seconds long, and the better matches had some glaring flaws. The matches luckily weren't terrible (the closest was the mediocre women's match) and there's enough fun stuff here to warrant a watch, even if you have to split the show into different sittings. Some better finishes and actual buildup of the Survivor Series matches would've turned this into a much better show. Alas.
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