Wretro Wrestling: Royal Rumble 2007

Via WWE

Hi y'all. Welcome to my latest (hopefully) weekly column in which I dissect a classic pay-per-view available on the WWE Network, chosen by pure chance. I'm a Network subscriber, but I haven't watched as many old PPV's as I would like. Which is strange, because my original reason for subscription was so I could watch the PPVs I missed as a kid (my brother and I loved wrestling but never enough that would warrant our parents paying hefty costs), but I got too caught up in the current product to really dive in.


So this is my reason to go watch more classic (and not-so-classic) PPVs. All shows that happened before June 2015 (when I started watching again) are eligible. That includes WWE, WCW, ECW and NXT Takeovers. The first show that ended up being selected as the 2007 Royal Rumble, and I don't think I could've landed on a better time period. This is right about the time where I stopped caring altogether about wrestling because it was Stupid and For Babies, so I'm familiar with just about all the wrestlers here, but the specific time period escapes me. Let's dive into this.

The Hardy Boyz def. MNM

This is about as solid as an opener you can get without the opener being a potential show-stealer. The Hardy Boyz aren't at their best at this point in time, but they're still solid as hell because they're the damn Hardy Boyz, and the Hardy Boyz are a top 5 tag team of all time. MNM were a pretty underrated tag team as well. I'm disappointed John Morrison (or at the time, Johnny Nitro) never really had it together in the WWE because he had so much potential. That might be the WWE's fault considering how money he is on Lucha Underground, but still. The man deserved a better run than he ever got.

The match overall is a fun back and forth, with the Hardyz eventually picking up a win with Matt Twist-of-Fate-ing Johnny and Jeff going for the Swanton Bomb. Fun stuff, though I could've done without Melina's involvement. Wish Johnny had Taya throughout his career instead of her. B.





Bobby Lashley (c) def. Test for ECW Championship

The main event rumble match accounts for about a third of the PPV, so the few undercard matches on the card really have to deliver. So what did WWE give us in 2007? A championship match between Bobby Lashley and Test. Just thinking about that makes me want to gag. Lashley's turned himself into a pretty solid since his WWE run (seriously, his TNA Championship with Drew Galloway this year was awesome honestly), but he never really had it together when he was with the company. Test has always been one of my least favorite wrestlers since being a kid. He's better than I remembered him being, but he's still not great. I do not want to see a seven-minute match between these two. I do not want to see a one-minute match between these two.

And guess what? That match sucks. The challenger, Test, takes an intentional countout loss, because a Lashley/Test match doesn't even try to pretend it's not a waste of your time. Lashley gets pissed that he won, and beats up Test after the bell. I hate this. I hate hate hate hate hate it. This is one of the four undercard matches on the show, and it is dreadful. F.

Batista (c) def. Mr. Kennedy for WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Did Lashley and Test thrill you just too much? Well here's a championship match between Batista and Mr. Kennedy. Feel the excitement! I'm probably overdoing it with the hate there, because I actually quite like Batista and I never really hated Mr. Kennedy (or Mr. Anderson) too much. But man, I never really got a "big match feel" from this. That's likely because a world championship match is barely even 10 minutes and involves a ref bump. Folks, the match is bad.

Kennedy hits Batista with a low blow and pins him for like 10 seconds, but the ref is knocked out during that time. Batista eventually gets up and hits a Batista Bomb for the win when the ref is finally up and about. JBL is super upset about Kennedy not winning after the low blow and it being rigged (Sad!) or whatever, because we needed his trash announcing making an already-lame championship match worse. Can we get to the rumble already? D+.

John Cena (c) def. Umaga for WWE Championship (Last Man Standing Match)

I was really excited for this match, because I'd heard good things and never seen it. John Cena finally has respect of hardcore wrestling fans now and has put on multiple great matches a year for a while, but that wasn't always the case. Matches like this showcased what he could be before he really evolved as a wrestler, and this match is regarded as one of his best-ever matches. He faces the underrated Umaga (rest in peace) in a last man standing match, and it's wonderfully brutal in parts.

There are unfortunately a few issues that prevent it from being a classic, though. For some reason, Cena hits Umaga with a Five Knuckle shuffle that breaks up an eight-count in a last man standing match, and it makes no damn sense. Cena should've done it early in the count or not at all. Also, while the finish of Cena choking out Umaga with the rope to win is hella cool, it makes no sense that Armando Estrada would undo the turnbuckle considering the metal wrench he used to unscrew the turnbuckle would have been just as effective.

Still, this is a really good match overall, that could've been great. I'm overall pretty happy that WWE doesn't really do blood anymore for the wrestlers' sake, but man, John Cena wears a crimson mask like none other, and it makes him look so badass. Some awesome stuff here. If only it had a little move logic. B+.

The Undertaker wins the Royal Rumble by last defeating Shawn Michaels

While the undercard of the PPV was largely underwhelming, the main event is a ton of fun and one of the best rumbles I've seen. The rumble is my favorite gimmick match of all time, and it's not even close. The chaos and excitement of the match was defined by some great storytelling as well. Let's get into some points.

The match starts off kinda weird, with number one and number two being 58 year-old Ric Flair and 49 year-old Fit Finlay. Isn't that what you want to start one of the biggest matches of the year? Love watching middle-aged men fight. I love both wrestlers, but I think this was a weird choice to start.

The third man is even less exciting - Kenny Dykstra. Remember when Kenny from the Spirit Squad got a solo push? You don't. Stop lying to me.

Edge comes in at No. 5, and he's the first real contender to show up. He's the match's ironman, and a lot of the match has him and his then-tag team partner Randy Orton teaming up and wrecking stuff until the very end of the match. The show teases some dissent between the two throughout as well.

Tommy Dreamer and Sabu are up next. E-C-Dub chants happen. Sabu sets up a table because of course he does, and you wonder which WWE star is gonna end up going over by putting Sabu through the table.

I forgot Gregory Helms was ever in the WWE as a gimmick other than The Hurricane. That's awesome though since he was always underrated. Hurricane is a top 5 gimmick ever tbh.

The WWE wrestler to go over the ECW originals is Kane, because it's gotta be Kane. I'm probably too hard on Kane because he's always been a solid worker, but he's the kind of guy that's been whatever for so long now that you get sick of him even when you watch his old matches. Same goes for Big Show.

CM Punk shows up at number 11! This is Punk between being CM Freaking Punk (Indie Wrestling Version) and CM Freaking Punk (WWE Version), so he doesn't do a lot here even though he almost breaks the half-hour mark. He'll get there. Soon.

King Booker is next, and I just wanna talk about how great a gimmick King Booker was. Booker T's an underrated guy, and he was at his best with King Booker. He deserved better than he got in WWE. Also props for coming back and getting rid of Kane after Kane eliminated him.

Randy Orton's the next really notable guy to show up in the match. Like I said, he and Edge are largely on fire and team up to wreck shop but there's some wariness that gets in the way and prevents them from winning in the end.

The next two are [redacted] and Rob Van Dam. They do just fine as upper-midcard guys who show up late in the game. They each contribute to a few eliminations, but none of them really notable.

Viscera shows up next, and he's a really big guy, so a lot of wrestlers need to team up to beat him! That's all he does. He's of course the biggest threat because How Can You Eliminate Viscera, but he's basically useless. He doesn't even eliminate anyone, so it doesn't matter.

Kevin Thorn shows up. Do you remember Kevin Thorn? It was the vampire gimmick of The Artist Formerly Known As Mordecai when he was in WWECW. So you probably don't remember Kevin Thorn, which is good, because Kevin Thorn sucks.

My God, Hardcore Holly was still wrestling in 2007? Screw Hardcore Holly.

Shawn Michaels shows up at number 23, and he's the last notable entrant for a while and a favorite to win the whole damn thing. He eliminates Finlay and Shelton Benjamin (two of the longest-lasting wrestlers at the time) and he'll eventually get rid of Orton and Edge and be one of the last men standing.

The Great Khali comes in at number 28 to be a cleanup big man. He's got the most eliminations of the match with seven, taking care of a few wrestlers you care about (Punk, Van Dam and [redacted]) and a few you really don't care about (Holly, Chavo, Carlito and Miz). Khali's role in this match is to be large for a few minutes before he gets taken care of by a wrestler that's actually good. That wrestler, of course is...

The Undertaker! Of the Actual Contenders in this match and from historical context, you know that this match is gonna end up being Shawn and Undertaker, two of the WWE's most legendary stars who are about to embark on one of the best feuds of the past decade or so. After Shawn takes care of Orton and Edge, the match basically becomes a singles match between Michaels and the Undertaker for a while, and that's what puts this rumble into classic territory. We get a taste of what's to come in the next few years when they have their Mania classics. This really feels like it has some of the highest stakes one of these matches has ever had, and you get sucked into the emotion. The first forty or so minutes of the match is fun and all, but it gets good in the final twenty minutes. We're still two years away from the Mania matches, but you see a lot of seeds sown here. Awesome stuff. A-.

Wrestlers who didn't get their own paragraphs because Who Gives a Shit: Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, Super Crazy, Jeff Hardy, Sandman, Johnny Nitro, Chris Masters, Chavo Guerrero, MVP, Carlito, The Miz

Overall Grade: B-. A little over half of this show is worthwhile. The tag opener is solid, the Cena/Umaga match is very good and the rumble is great. The other two matches on the card are hot garbage, and that brings the grade down a lot. The show clocks in at just around 2:45, and you think they could have at least fit one more match on the card as well. Maybe that match wouldn't have sucked.