RAW Report for 8/15/16: What's a Demon King to a Crossfit God?

Via WWE.com

A very long time ago I attempted to do weekly reviews on WWE Monday Night Raw. It lasted a grand total of one week because I am bad at doing things I would like to do. But as time goes by I realize more and more that I need to do things to keep my writing sharp (or as sharp as my rambling nonsense can ever be), even if it's saying words about a fake sport to an audience of two people.

So Monday Night Raw happened last night, and it's the go-home show to Summerslam. There's a ton of stuff happening on that reportedly seventeen-hour show, so they needed to get everybody excited for what's to come. Let's dive in, shall we?

Rusev vs. Cesar-OH GOD NO

I'm going to skip through writing up about the opening segment, because it goes along with the main event. So let's head right into the first match of the night, Sheamus vs. Sami Zayn with Cesaro on commentary. Sheamus and Cesaro have been fighting to prove who is better and tougher for the past two weeks, and we're mercifully saved from that with a nice little Sami Zayn/Sheamus contest. Sheamus has the terrible affliction of having one of the most boring characters on the show, so people have a tendency to think his matches are boring as well. That's not true. Maybe it's because he's wrestling Cesaro and Sami Zayn who could put on a good match with a cactus, but these matches he's been having the past few weeks have been dope. He's not going through the motions.

Cesaro distracts Sheamus so Sami can hit him with a Helluva Kick, and it works because Cesaro's getting payback for costing him the US Championship. He's not just distracting the heel to be a dick, which is what oftentimes happens in these sorts of situations.

This sets up a backstage brawl between the Swiss Superman and the Pale One, and Mick Foley breaks it up by announcing a Best-of-7 series to decide who is better, starting with Summerslam. It's nice that these two are given reason to have a million matches with each other, but I'm not huge into watching SEVEN more matches between these two when Cesaro already has two wins in the past two weeks. Match: B+; Foley's GM Work: C.

Balls!

Maybe it's because deep down I am a seven year old, but I am really enjoying this testicle-based feud between The Club and The New Day. The Club were entertaining promos in the Cena feud, and they're keeping that up here, even if their material is literally just "puns about balls." Later in the night is great too, with Kofi and Xavier beating down on Gallows and Anderson and almost hitting Anderson in the balls with Francesca. Big E's honor must be defended, trombones to the dick are the only solution.

The New Day wrestle the Dudleys this week, who for the second week in a row have a miscommunication and lose. I really hope this leads to a heel turn and we get Bully Ray, but it feels like they've teased us with that before since their return so I'm skeptical. Segment gets a B.

Paul Says Stupid Things

There is no wrestler I am enjoying right now more than Heath Slater. His search to find a brand to sign with is the most entertaining thing WWE has going right now, and he's making the best of it. He's cutting great promos. It's honestly the thing I've looked forward to the most nightly since the Draft. Tonight he interrupts Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman requesting a match so he can get a contract and feed his family. Brock calls him in the ring, tells him he doesn't give a shit and murders Heath Slater live on television. It's so good.

The only issue is Paul Heyman. I like Paul Heyman well enough, but there was NO NEED for him to go on for like ten minutes after Brock killed Slater. No reason. We know the entire spiel about Lesnar being the dopest dude. We've heard every single one of your other promos, man. Brock did more in five seconds by suplexing the One Man Brand than Heyman did in his forty-six minute promo about how much money Brock draws. Heath and Brock get an A+ for the segment, Paulie gets a D.

We're Doing This, I Guess

I'm excited for the Universal Title match between Seth Rollins and Finn Balor more than any other match at Summerslam aside from maybe Cena/Styles II, but their promos this week fell flat. Largely because they cut promos last week on each other and Seth is way too wordy on the mic, but also for other reasons. Seth spent the entire episode looking for the "Demon King." You know that because he says "I'm looking for the Demon King. Have you seen the Demon King? He is a Demon and a King" roughly twenty times every time he's on screen. He calls Finn in the middle of the ring, and Finn comes out in full demon gear.

This is where the real problem begins, because you're putting Finn's first appearance as a main roster member as the Demon in the middle of an episode of Raw. That's a star-defining moment. It would've been better if Finn just came out in his leather jacket and said that Seth will have to wait, debut the demon at Summerslam and have Seth freak out at the sight. Instead, he shows up here and Seth's just like "meh" and punches Finn until Balor comes out on top. That's stupid and a waste of what would've been a cool moment on Sunday. F.

Rusev: World's Biggest Babyface

Maybe it's just smartasses like me, but why the hell are we booing Rusev? What sins has he committed? He loves his wife a lot, and he's proud of where he's from. He doesn't think his opponent for Summerslam should get a title match for being a jerk and nothing else. He does, of course, want to kick Roman's ass tonight because he said terrible things about his marriage and his new wife. Foley grants them a match tonight for "Lana's honor." The match is really good with a super into-it crowd and great work from both of them. But then Roman wins clean and Rusev can't defend his wife's honor? What the hell is that? The match in a vacuum is great and warrants an A-, but in context everything is a D.

Quick Hits

Shut Up, Nathaniel: Jericho and Kevin Owens are great as usual. Jericho's so good on the mic that it makes up for some "ehhhh" ring work, and them hating on Tom Phillips tonight was awesome. The match between KO and Cass was fine too. B+

Delilah Doomed: Nia has another squash this week. Not much to say other than that she looks killer so far. B.

Zero Dollar Moves: I want to be into the Darren Young/Titus O'Neal feud, but nothing about it makes any damn sense. D-.

Gotcha?: So Charlotte broke up her partnership with Dana Brooke so Sasha would see it and think she's safe to confront her, only to reveal that Dana was still with her. The problem is that I feel like Sasha probably would've confronted Charlotte with or without Dana. I guess it opened her up from an attack from behind, but it's a weird swerve nonetheless. Happy that Dana's not turning face though. That would be bad. C

Final Grade: C+

This episode had some really, really good stuff that I enjoyed. The matches were pretty much all fun and some were even great, but there was a bunch of little stuff that kept happening that would take me out of it.